drowning
It's 11:53 am and the day's gone like shit so far.My heart's just sunk. I feel like someone was strangling me from the inside, holding on really tight to my lungs, making it hard to breath.
Me and my craze for living in delusion... Shit, I knew this would happen. I knew sooner or later reality would strike me in the face. And still I'm all surprised about it.
I don't get me. Despite the fall I know I'll keep daydreaming, making up shit that'll never happen, and feeling like crap everytime I touch the ground.
Miles and time suck ass. Things would be easier in the world i've been living in.
And uni is putting me down and down too.. Like if I hadn't enough already...
Class this morning has been hell. I felt like the teacher was talking a different language. I'm totally lost and he comes and says: "any doubts here? cause what I'm about to explain now is pretty difficult.." wtf? so all he said before was easy?? I really couldn't tell any difference between one thing and another, it all looked chinese...
That's scary. It's what? like second week of second semester? and i dont get a thing. What is it gonna be like in a month?
Good bye to going out next friday. I gotta catch up.
I CANNOT keep screwing up all my life.
:: Tears struggling to cover my eyes and
:: find out how this could be so much harder.
:: You don't deserve it.
:: [...]
:: All I can't say it's no one's fault,
:: just our ways crossed.
:: Please take away all the pain I've caused...
- Crossed ways, Pictures Of Shorelines -
posted by susiluz @ 12:20 AM
2 Comments:
Hi there :)
Well... I can't really say anything about your feelings regarding your personal life, emptyness caused by daydreaming-and-not-achieving, etc because I believe it takes to know a lot more about you than I really do... but I can't help but to make a couple of comments about your Uni despair. I feel I must. Just like anyone else that's felt the same and eventually succeeded, and now looks back and sees things differently. ;)
I wrote in your blog a while ago (regarding your Java stuff), just for reference. I studied telecomm just like you do. I'm finished now, trying to doctorate. And I also had a horrible first year ;)
First of all, I must make clear that things didn't go as disastrous as you tell. But alas, I was able to feel the "this is not for me" crush and the subsequent positive progression after enduring some hard times. I was one of those that always got A's on almost everything at high school without much effort (probably just like you). And failing right away after that much studying and realizing that I was not even close, was a huge disappointment. The ones I passed I did not pass them very gracefully at all. Hell was breaking loose; I was stressed and going nowhere after all.
But the solution is not about not going out on friday. Trust me; that's not the way to do it.
Yeah, yeah, right; I also realized later on that I had failed because I actually hadn't studied THAT much; and that the quality of my studying was also pretty bad, not just the amount of studying. But giving yourself no GOOD time off is not the way.
So what is it that you must do? Well... all I have to say is that for me, it was more a matter of taking things seriously. And I don't mean studying more or doing it everyday, or keeping up with the assignements. I mean learning to appreciate the things I was studying by themselves. That some of the things were boring, but most were really worth digging into them. That leads usually to more studying, but mainly higher quality studying and LEARNING, and more importantly you do it in a much better mood. The mood of curiosity.
All in all it's a matter of thinking... you're doing this, right? Then DO it right. Own it; don't let it own you. If all it causes you is suffering, you're not doing it the right way.
Personally, after a term of taking things seriously and digging into it with a renewed spirit of curiosity and will to learn, I found myself passing in June the two subjcts I failed in February quite nicely. Of course it took good work; but it was not only that I passed, but that I felt that I REALLY knew about the stuff.
So... don't despair. Ot at least, not yet ;) Telecommunications is a VERY difficult career, and the first year is really gruesome; so many things that don't ring a bell, such a different way of thinking, so much information and so much work... and so little in return. The feeling that it's only the beginning, that the end is years ahead, and the "it's not quite as I expected" stuff. But don't worry... it's quite normal and you'll be on track in no time, provided you don't give up too soon ;)
I had a girlfriend that was in his second year when we met and had passed very few 1st year subjects already. She was quite depressed, thinking that it was going to take her half of his life, and that everything was so difficult. I told her she would probably use 3 years for the 2 first, then 1 for the rest just like most people. She didn't think so. And guess what... she did ;)
So, come on, lighten up... after all being the nerdiest has a price! And a Telecomm girl is just cool xD
Sweet regards
Hi again ;)
Yes, I knew it was your second year in 1st. But that doesn't change a thing, some people flip the switch right away, some people wander in the dark for a long time, and some people... never do, and have a miserable university experience along the way :( They end up burned out and mostly hate what they've been forced to do. It happens, too. Sometimes things go bad for a good reason and people has chosen poorly or are not capable enough. But it's not frequent and you just need a bit of self-examination to find out if it's the case. If it is, don't waste a minute. If it's not, just begin working on it ;)
And about the "leaving the internet" thing; don't. You're going to be a communications specialist, aren't you? You're going to need to feel comfortable with the technology if you want to be something more than an exam-junkie. So it's more a matter of doing things the right way than of cutting off radically.
For example, there's a couple of simple things to do that can improve productivity quite dramatically. Simple, not easy ;). But they DO work.
One of them is "don't read or work in front of the computer". That's valid for studying, solving problems or just plain reading. Incoming e-mails, IM, a quick check of someone's blog or checking if your P2P downloads are going right break the concentration constantly. Turn off the computer or just go away, and tell yourself you're going to be doing something for at least 45 minute periods straight. This improves concentration by leaps and bounds, and the absorption of knowledge is a lot faster. Trust me, it takes a bit to get the monkey off your back, but it's a great improvement. The Internet has brought us wonderful things, but it's the most distracting thing I've ever known. To sum it up: when you work, you work. And when you are on the Internet, you're in the internet. Don't mix. And don't sit in front of it pretending you will not use it; you will. Lock it down ;)
And the other important thing is: Use books. And use them often. Yes, lecture classes are ok, and the things you write down are somewhat useful. But they don't tell the whole story. If you study exams using just that, you'll most likely fail. Pick up a good book (better two), look down the matter you're trying to understand and learn it from the books. It will give you a LOT wider background and some of the things will be instantly cleared up. Your notes are just brief explanations and often have a lot of "things to just believe", that need to be memorized. It's always better if you do understand them. And buy some books. They are not SO expensive and some are really worth it ;)
These are just two easy things to do. Do it and you will be surprised of how much your work hours will improve.
Whoa... that was a long post. Gotta get back to work :)
Greets
P.D. Por cierto, no soy de fuera, soy de Madrid y estudié teleco en la U. de Alcalá... si escribo en inglés es por coherencia con el site :-)
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